on disappointment (very quickly composed)

When hope gets torn asunder And life as known is lost When sparkling waters dirty Hope oftener is tost But further gleams a pardon To glimpse an honest day The unknown beacons friendship Along the forlorn way. In heather down I wander To seek a simpler time But memories- they capture And soon I start to rhyme The cadence and the harping Of tweets above and low The silence and the sudden Mingle in the flow. Tears alone, a river That speaks to none but me Solemnity and rapture Both swirling 'fore they flee. One moment more, I need it The burden- Oh, the weight! I slightly roll my shoulders And straighten up my gait.

AP doesn't work for me

If you love AP, I have no problem. Because I know different things work for different people. Boom. But for the parent who feels guilty for not being in close proximity to their child at all times, read on! I've felt guilty for all of these: letting my child be awake and alone, doing "cry it out", taking a nap by myself, not co-sleeping, and going out with Hubby without the kids. And that's not an exhaustive list. The good news is that I'm not so guilt-ridden anymore. Why? Well, for starters, my firstborn was a preemie in the NICU and sleep-training him was hard for me. Then I had postpartum depression, and my exercise and dieting attempts left me feeling even more burnt out. We lived far from our parents. Oh yes, and we had another rather traumatic event in there, too. The experience left me feeling kind of paranoid about having a second child. Thankfully, our daughter was on time and healthy. My husband graciously let me sleep with her for eight weeks. And by then, I was done. Yes, I needed to bond with her for healing, and in a way I hadn't been able to with her brother. But by the time we were done, as I said before- my back was out of whack, I was very tired, my baby was crabby and tired, Hubby missed me, and my son didn't have much time with me, either. Then we started scheduling her, and pretty soon all of us were happier. Seriously! Now, I lay my daughter in the bouncy seat as needed, partly because my back doesn't appreciate wearing her for very long and also because she's happy there. My son has one on one time with me. Hubby and I actually have some much-needed time alone. And I don't feel guilty about that.

Does it really matter?

I try to be crunchy and natural, folks. I do a lot of things now that years ago, I would've turned up my nose at. Placenta pills? Cloth diapers? Oil-pulling? Eating liver? Fermenting bread? And so on and so forth. But last night and today, while changing my daughter out of a leaky cloth diaper and all her clothes, and reading angry comments debating the vaccinations (practically giving me a headache), I thought, hmm, which of these things really matter? In light of eternity, I mean. Will God ask me about the amount of chlorine in my baby's diapers or why I ate my placenta (hey, some folks think it's cannibalism!)??? Sure, we need to make wise calls in all our decisions. But are we spending more time freaking out about these things than spending time on our knees, so to speak? I have been. I want my focus to change in 2015. To trust Him in spite of my inadequacies. Because of them. To know I'll never get it all right, but He loves me, cares for me, and cares about my children more than I ever could.

Without Permission

The worst part of my first birth was the parts where Hubby had to leave to grab some stuff at home. We were underprepared at 34 weeks to bring our baby into the world. Instead of having Mom and my sisters with me, it was just Hubby and I. We felt pretty alone and completely overwhelmed the next few months, being far from family and having friends who usually weren't in the same boat of having kids and living on one income. Fast forward a couple years... and I'm 38 1/2 weeks pregnant with our second. Last night some girlfriends, my sister, and Mom brainstormed names for us and traded birth stories. It was community and I was loving it. And when I got back home I realized that I have a desperate desire for people to invade my life without permission. Do you? I don't think it's supposed to be weird to drop in on a family and share an evening of laughter. Seriously, there are many nights after our son is in bed when we mindlessly turn to our devices and do absolutely nothing out of boredom. What if we lived differently? Once I go into real labor, this time will be different. I'll have my sisters, Mom, friends, midwife, assistant and Hubby here. At home. There'll be laughter and tears and vulnerability. There won't be a chance to hide or be in my comfort zone. And I LOVE that. Someday, when my daughter asks what her birth was like, and I don't remember all the details, I can send her to her Grandma or aunts, and they'll be able to fill in the blanks I've forgotten. My mom, after having 8 children herself, will be able to see what it's like on the other side. We won't be alone. No time to edit when a nap is more important! Thanks for bearing with my grammar :)

so all that to say...

I have to admit, this isn't a very encouraging post. Well, no, maybe it is. I reread my old entries. What you don't know is how miserable I was shortly afterwards. I began feeling joint pain, depression, fatigue, lack of motivation, etc. Actually, that all might've been going on about the time of the blog- I don't remember. Yes, I lost weight and was looking good. But at the cost of my health! I don't credit that to Trim Healthy Mama, but to my lack of consideration for myself. As a postpartum mother with a lot of stress on her plate, I should've taken everything much slower and focused on taking care of myself, Hubby, and baby. Now, a while later and a move away,with baby #2 on the way, I'm anticipating doing things much better next time. I've been eating a lot more lax lately (ha ha.) And feeling better and getting more done! Maybe I'll tell you about some of the more natural approaches I've been taking in other areas of life. Thanks for reading!

why not wheat?

Sometimes we do things that aren't a good idea. Pardon my grammar. Like eating white sugar and white flour in a regular old chocolate cake. Just because. And you're tired of avoiding it all. Honestly, it's good to renew my convictions about food once in awhile, lest I forget why I do what I normally do and to remind myself why I don't do others anymore. It's not just because. And it has to be more than sometimes.

Sooo... in case you're wondering why it's not such a good idea (and so I have this handy-dandy reference), I now feel bloated and uhh, "windy". Ha.

Fermenting fun!

So, I've been in a pickle...ing mood!!! I've been using Serene's sauerkraut recipe to make pickled jalapenos, sauerkraut, and now I made a German recipe for marinated cold beet salad. I mixed some into yogurt for a gorgeous bowl of nutrition! Don't be intimidated- it's quite simple :)